This is it, folks! We've finally arrived at the live, two-hour season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Even though your votes have all already been tabulated, there are still 30 judges' points up for grabs. From what I understand, each couple will be performing one more of their favorite routines. Alicia Keys and Miley Cyrus will also perform. Plus: We'll have comedy segments from Cloris Leachman and Jeffrey Ross. I am certainly ready for this to be over all the excitement, so let's get to it.
First up, as it should be, Drunk Nana is back! The Berge sets up the premise: Cloris has been missing since she was eliminated. Cut to Cloris, still in her final costume and muddied makeup, living in a cardboard box. Cloris hits the streets to find out who everyone will be voting for, and she ends the legitimately funny segment by picking an imaginary wedgie. Ha!
Now, Alicia Keys is here, singing her new single, "I Need You", and while it all sounds nice, I want to take this time to say that I am a big Alicia Keys fan and an even bigger James Bond fan. And while "Another Way to Die" — the theme song for the new Bond flick Quantum of Solace, on which Keys and the White Stripes' Jack Black collaborated — initially made my teeth itch, it has grown on me. I understand why people don't like it, but I think they did a pretty good job of combining an Alicia Keys song, a White Stripes song and a James Bond song. Feel free to disagree.
And now, we recap Weeks 1 and 2, and I'm amazed at how much I've forgotten. What's up, Ted McGinley? Misty May! Kim Khardashian has more wasted assets then Fannie and Freddie, says Bruno. Ha! That controversial man-woman kiss!
Now Jeffrey Ross and Edyta are going to dance the quick-step. Oh no, are all the competitors going to dance tonight? I have to say, Jeffrey seems much more nimble than I remember. Good for him.
Ted McGinley and Ina are going to show us the foxtrot. And they're going to kill me by doing it to one of my favorite songs ever, the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows." Ted also looks better than I remember, though his carefully cultivated Cary Grant is still intact.
Kim Kardashian and Marc are going to dance the mambo, hilariously to Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back." I have to ask: Why dance to a song that glorifies the female posterior with a female with a glorious posterior, and then bury said "back" under 18 pounds of ruffles? Wait, those are ruffles, aren't they?
Now, a recap of Weeks 3 and 4. Corky and Cloris' haunting crab dance. Carrie Ann makes my eyes roll to the back of my head by proclaiming that she has a crush on Warren. Misty May's sad, painful injury. Lance's guyliner. "All the ruffles in the world can't hide that you don't have a musical bone in your body," Bruno says to Rocco. Heh!
Misty and Maks are back! And Misty is walking, and itching to get back on the dance floor. Hooray! Maks gooses The Berge! Oh, you two!
Rocco Di Spirito and Karina dance the mambo. It makes sense that the overarching theme of their dance is Rocco having to force Karina to dance with him. I hate myself for being so mean. They don't do badly though. Bah.
Now a trailer for Dirty Dancing: The Senior Years, starring Drunk Nana.
Now, a recap of Weeks 5 and 6. Lance falls. Len says something about La Lucci's knickers. Warren does the robot. Carrie Ann throws herself at Maurice. Corky massages Cloris' breasts for not the first nor last time. The hip-hop group dance makes me die inside. Michael Flatley gives out inflated scores. Cloris isn't leaving!
Toni will be on tour this summer, where she will sing "Unbreak My Heart" (duh), but she can't dance tonight because she has just had surgery.
Cloris Leachman and Corky dance the tango. It's so charming and I remember now why I loved having her in this competition so much. Her laugh is contagious. But she won't be in Young Frankenstein on Broadway because the economy collapsed and 75 percent of the shows are closing. Perhaps a little varm milk will ease the pain?
Susan Lucci and Tony take on the paso doble, and you can tell that Tony's pecs are really excited to be back in the spotlight, if you know what I'm saying. He flings her all over the dance floor, and it's kind of a fun routine.
Maurice Greene and Cheryl dance the salsa. I remember loving this routine and this song. I still do, despite some rough patches here and there. Cheryl is really giving her all though, ay?
And now, a recap of Weeks 7 and 8. Brooke gets three perfect 10s. Lancey barefoot — scandal! "Fat Boy no good tonight though." Team paso doble kicked team cha cha cha's ass because "that unison was... whoa," which means bad in Carrie Ann. Capework! Cody jumps on the judges' table.
Now Jeffrey Ross is going to serve as roastmaster for the three finalists. Did he lose weight on the show? "How much does your dignity weigh?" he asks. I love Cloris' laugh. He says Brooke has the perfect scores, Lance has the perfect hair, and Warren has the perfect boobs. None of the three contestants look entirely amused. The inevitable gay joke. To Warren: "How do you dance eight hours a day for three months and stay so out of shape?" He's good, but he should be; this is practically what he does for a living over at the Friars Club. The Berge cracks that they'll be right back, after the contestants call their lawyers.
And now, Semifinals Week. Brooke's big mistake. Lance kicked off his shoe. That feels like it was five minutes ago.
Cody Linley and Julianne dance the jitterbug. This is their I Love Lucy routine that was so fun. They're really good. That is all.
And now the judges evaluate the contestants. Filler.
The lighting and dry-ice effects in this segment are ridonkulous.
WARREN SAPP and Kym JohnsonI love this couple. They seem to have really enjoyed their time together. Their hustle starts with that point-to-the-sky move I hate. They're dancing to Lipps Inc.'s "Funkytown," a song I usually love. This is really Warren's element. He's particularly light on his feet here, and the pair execute some really athletic moves. Len says he may not be the judges' champion, but he is definitely the public's champion. Bruno says Warren is the craftiest hustler he's ever come across, "Times Square 1979." Carrie Ann says he has made everyone want to dance, and "that's hot." They get 27 from the judges, for a total of 80 out of 90. (Remember, they still have to add in America's votes.)
LANCE BASS and Lacey SchwimmerLancey has a weepy moment in their review package, and it's kind of sweet. Their jitterbug, to the great "Jim Dandy to the Rescue," seems a little off tonight, right? While Lance didn't kick off a shoe, and while I'm terrible at noticing these things, I think they actually made some mistakes. Bruno says they had "panache and flair." Carrie Ann, of course, noticed their mistakes, but commends them for taking risks along the way. Len says he deserves to be in the finals. They earn a 28 from the judges, putting them at 81 out of 90.
BROOKE BURKE and Derek HoughBrooke says that Derek was her favorite dancer on the show, so she was happy to be paired with him. They're dancing the Viennese waltz to that old Viennese master, John Mayer, so I'm going to run to the kitchen for a "snack." Their dance is floaty, dreamlike and certainly technically proficient, but to me, it doesn't pack enough punch to be considered a championship dance. But I'm not sure it matters at this point. Carrie Ann says that she is a star, and deserves the trophy more than anyone. Len says he still loves her waltz. Bruno says she's bellissima and is the jewel in the crown of this truly grand finale. Not surprisingly, they earn three perfect 10s, for a total of 88 out of 90.
In third place are... Lance and Lacey!
And now Miley Cyrus is here to sing "Fly on the Wall." I've never heard this song before, and it's a little different than I expected. First off, it's unsettling to hear a 16-year-old with that Scotch-and-soda voice, isn't it? But it's not your typical saccharine teen pop, and I appreciate that. She's a perky little rocker, she is.
In second place are... Warren and Kym!Which means that Brooke and Derek are the Season 7 champions! And I, for one, am not surprised at all!
Derek seems a lot happier about the win than Brooke, doesn't he? And now The Berge presents the storied mirrorball trophy, and for a brief moment I am sad that the season is over. (But then it passes.)
So, how do you think it all played out? Did your favorite win? Who wuz robbed? Most importantly, were you as glad as I was to see Cloris again?
Thanks to all of you for making this season a lot of fun for me! I hope my absolute lack of knowledge of anything ballroom didn't hinder the experience too much for you. Until Dancing returns in March, you can come watch me quick-step my way through my recaps of Desperate Housewives every Sunday night.
Watch clips and full episodes of Dancing with the Stars in our Online Video Guide
This is it! We've finally arrived at the live, two-hour season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Even though your votes have all already been tabulated, there are still 30 judges' points up for grabs. From what I understand, each couple will be performing one more of their favorite routines. Alicia Keys and Miley Cyrus will perform. Plus: We'll have comedy segments from Cloris Leachman and Jeffrey Ross. I am certainly ready for this to be over all the excitement, so let's get to it. I'll post a full recap later, but in the meantime, please use this space to comment on Tuesday's proceedings.
Watch clips and full episodes of Dancing with the Stars in our Online Video Guide
by- Mickey O'Connor
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
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